Tactically inept England delivered a hall of shame performance. Dismal with the ball, they batted like they had been lobotomised - now the Bazball project is hanging by a thread

Five days. That has all it has taken for Australia to expose the hollowness of England’s Ashes ambitions, for another trip down under to disintegrate almost before it has begun.

If the second day at the Gabba was bad, the third belonged in the hall of fame, or possibly the hall of shame.

England bowled as if they had mislaid some of their grey cells, then batted as if they had been lobotomised altogether. It was dismal stuff from start to finish, a slap in the face for their fans who have spent thousands to cheer them on.

At one point, as their second innings subsided from 90 for one to 134 for six by stumps, still 43 short of avoiding an innings defeat, the big screen picked out a tearful Pom in the crowd, drawing hoots of derision from most of the 35,000 present. There has been contempt for England since they arrived, and there will be no sympathy now.

Some wonder if Australians have tired of duffing up England in their own backyard. Not on this evidence. The Gabbatoir will be torn down after Brisbane hosts the 2032 Olympics, but for now it is very much alive and open for business. English cricketers remain among the venue’s favourite customers.

Ever since Joe Root ensured the first evening finished on an emotional high, England have been so off the pace, so tactically inept, so willing to repeat the same mistakes, that you fear for the next few weeks.

Two-nil down will be hard enough to turn around. Only one side in the history of Test cricket have won a series from that position, and that was Australia against England 89 years ago, when they were playing at home and had at their disposal a batsman called Don Bradman.

But the worry now must be that this tour will unravel out of control, and take its place alongside the carnage inflicted on the last three visiting England sides here: a 5–0 whitewash in 2013-14 followed by a pair of 4–0 losses in 2017-18 and 2021-22. And if that sounds defeatist, then the evidence of day three at the Gabba offered few reasons to be cheerful.

England’s bowling in the first half of the day was bad enough. They had begun it clinging on by their fingertips, 44 behind and with four wickets still to take. All was not lost, yet England seemed incapable of patience, too quick to change plans. On the second day, the short ball was horribly overdone, and Will Jacks’s off-breaks ignored until it was too late. Why, you might wonder, was he even selected?

Proof that Australia are playing by far the smarter brand of cricket came in the form of a ninth-wicket stand of 75 between Mitchell Starc and Scott Boland, which ticked along at less than three an over, tiring England’s seamers and ensuring their batsmen would face the pink ball under floodlights. It was clever stuff, in the way Bazball often isn’t.

It didn’t help that Ben Stokes treated Starc as if he was Garfield Sobers, spreading the field in an attempt to get at Boland. The tactic didn’t work, yet England persisted in the heat and the humidity. By the time Starc fell for 77, Australia led by 157. Soon, Brendan Doggett was driving Jacks through the covers to bring up the 500. In all, the last four wickets added 182.

Faced with a deficit of 177, England began promisingly, taking 25 from Starc’s first three overs and reaching 90 for one for the loss of Ben Duckett, who was unlucky to receive a shooter from Boland that deflected on to his stumps off the bottom of his bat.

But from there, well, it was grim. Much was made of England’s dismissals in Perth, where one batsman after another fell driving on the up during their second-innings meltdown. Astonishingly, they now walked headlong into the same trap.

Ollie Pope had been skittish from the start, eager to feel bat on ball after his first-innings duck. Somehow he reached 26, only to aim an uppish drive at Michael Neser, who clung on high to his left. It was a woeful stroke from a player who is 63 Tests into his career but shows little sign of graduating to the next level.

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His Ashes average is now 18 from 14 innings, with no half-century, yet England continue to tolerate him in the crucial position of No 3, having wasted the summer series against India by failing to blood Jacob Bethell until it was too late.

Zak Crawley played some classy strokes en route to 44, and looked good for his second half-century of the Test before he too drove on the up against Neser, with the same result. It was mind-numbing stuff.

The Gabbatoir closed in, and Australia pounced. Root edged a loose drive on 15 at Starc, his demise delayed only by umpire Holdstock’s failure to spot the edge.

And Australia were again grateful for the technology when Harry Brook, the ball after being wrongly given out caught behind, edged a defensive push at Boland. Umpire Saikat said not out, the technology begged to differ.

When Jamie Smith’s miserable tour continued with another edge off Starc, England had lost five for 38. It was a horror show, made worse for the suspicion that the lessons of Perth had either been forgotten or not learned in the first place.

As much as anything, the third day highlighted a twist that seemed unlikely when England’s fast bowlers were blowing Australia away for 132 in the first Test.

Whereas Stokes and Brendon McCullum have put all their eggs in the basket marked ‘pace’, Australia had wicketkeeper Alex Carey standing up to Neser, who only had to land the ball on a length at 82mph and await England’s self-destruction.

One by one, by contrast, England’s fast bowlers have fallen away. Mark Wood bowled 11 wicketless overs at Perth before injuring his left knee, while Jofra Archer’s three wickets have cost 47 each. But while he has not been helped by dropped catches, Gus Atkinson finished the day with one wicket in the series at a cost of 199.

Brydon Carse has been handed the unenviable role of battering ram, and gone at 5.39 an over even while taking nine wickets, while Stokes’s eight at 19 are partially offset by his profligacy.

The Bazball project is hanging by a thread. At some point over the next few weeks, it seems likely that thread will be cut altogether.

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